Match Report

Time for Tiadore's back in town 2-1 Swinton Poodles 

MARK Gerald Aucott signed off his Tonka career with a deft free-kick to give the Green Army the perfect start to their League Two campaign.

  Tonka's all-time top goalscorer stepped up to take the set-piece with barely five minutes to spare with the scores level at 1-1. He steadied himself before bending the strike around a three-man wall and past the Terriers keeper to the delight of the Manvers Park crowd.

  Aucott's goals have been vital in sustaining Tonka's push for mid-table mediocrity over the last three years and his departure will undoubtedly affect the Green Army's promotion push this season. He will now spend three weeks at the Priory clinic in an attempt to rid himself of his glue-sniffing addiciton before moving to Gravesend and Northfleet. The non-league club's fans voted to sign Aucott in an online poll after one of their scouts spotted his precocious talent in a Tonka game last season. Tonka will receive a £18m transfer fee plus a 10% sell-on fee.

  Speaking at a post-match press conference, the talismanic Bolton-upon-Dearne striker revealed that contrary to media speculation, his departure had not been caused by a rift between he and Tonka manager Daveyo Hamshaw.

  "There's absolutely no truth in that whatsoever," he said. "I have a terrific relationship with the manager. He's always been like a father figure to me. It's just time to move on now. I've done my bit for Tonka now. I've passed on some of the tricks of the trade to Moonhead. He's more than capable of filling my boots," the balding striker said with a tear in his eye.

  Aucott played a crucial role in Tonka's opener after he combined with Harry Magnum in a slick move on the edge of the box before the undefeated Cock of Conisborough neatly clipped the ball over the advancing Terriers keeper.

  Magnum's selection had been in doubt after the midfield lynchpin had revealed at the end of last season that he intended to quit the Tonka. Magnum said after the match that his dramatic u-turn had came after an SOS call from DHam. The Tonka manager had been facing a selection crisis with Robert Danger Dalton taking an impromptu visit to his massive pal Hristo Stoichkov in Bulgaria. A fish and chip-related injury also sidelined defensive pillar Sean Hill.

  Magnum did not disappoint though, marking his return to the fold with an impressive industrious midfield display. He ghosted from box to box, baffling the Terriers midfield with a series of slide-rule passes and hard tackles. He said two weeks of soul-searching aboard Tonka Director of Football Paul Shane's yacht, the HMS Green Army, had left him in no doubt that his future lay with the Tonka.

  Tonka's victory had been in doubt after a rare error from Joey 'Flash' Hudson allowed a fat-headed Geoff Hurst impersonator to slot home past Premier League stopper Richard George Hamshaw.

  However, Aucott's free-kick snatched victory for the Green Army, much to the delight of manager DHam. "It has been a tough few weeks for us with the news that Shark and Beef are leaving, and with the sad news of Jet's tragic death of course. But we still have the players to turn the screw when required. Teddy bossed the park today, he was Hirst Class."

Today on Weddsy's World we have a new feature where we focus on your favourite Tonka starlet, in a recent poll the fans chose to profile Richard 'Harry,Teddy,Tiadore,Conisborough Mafia' Magnum. No surprises really as he is some what of an unknown quantity. Details of his past are somewhat vague however it is believed that Manager Daveo found him washed up on the shore at Skegvegas after he had been thrown out of Arsene Wengers African Football Factory for his questionable temperament. Rumour has it he is the illegitimate bastard child of Charles Bronson and Ulrika Johnson which therefore explains his fiery behaviour, aggression, beauty and sexual prowess. In recent weeks his performances have been on the slide down to his medication failing him however after a double helping of Crystal Meth, Prozac and Wine Gums he bounced back with a stunning brace on Thursday. Top man x